Paul Kachoris

The pivot point for this was in the fall of 1990, when I participated in a men’s weekend retreat. At this weekend the very heavy cloak of my father’s sudden death was lifted off of my shoulders. I had been wearing it since I was fifteen years old. My heart closed off then; it became armored and buried. All through my adult years, I had continued silently to mourn and to grieve my father; having literally jumped into the grave with him at his death. I could not separate from him. I wallowed in his death.

However, after the subsequent months of my very dramatic psychodrama rescue, I experienced such a powerful awakening of my feelings; a new inner heart resuscitation; a new aliveness; a new desire to live. So much so, that in the spring of 1991, I “spontaneously” sat down at my typewriter and within ten minutes wrote my poem: “The Armadillo.”  It was one of those inspirational “moments” that precipitated all of my unconscious psychological work in a flash!  I created “The Armadillo.” I was able to capture in such a succinct poetic form all my unconscious transformation and enlightenment. This poem was a concrete manifestation of all that had been set in motion during the last year.

The moment of my writing “The Armadillo” was the presentation to me of my “totem” medicine animal.  In the spiritual tradition of the American Indian, a “totem” animal presents itself at the appropriate time to empower the recipient.  Out of the blue, I was initiated into the “Great Mystery” of becoming human, becoming vulnerable and having my footsteps set upon the “Good Red Road.”  I was given the Armadillo totem: the ideal metaphor for the armor, the protection, the boundaries and the keeping of all hurts inside and reflecting away all the outside hurts that I have lived with all these years. It was how I had lived my life up until now.

However, it was the “contrary” reading of the Medicine Cards of the Armadillo totem, the paradox, if you will, that was the real message for me. It was not to remain hiding; not to be closed; not guarded and not defended. But to become vulnerable; to open up; to stop pretending I am armor-coated; invincible.  By actually having shed my armor I became vulnerable. I opened up the opportunity to feel, to become alive, to live in my life.  There was no need to hide my true feelings I was able to risk; to dispel my doubts and to touch the deepest part of myself.